I'm admitting that. I'm admitting that I do have problems that are too big for me to handle and that I can't handle them. There, I said it, no more "I'm fine" or "I'll manage", I'm not okay, I'm not fine and I have a lot of trouble managing it on my own.
Not having a car is hard and because I'll probably get rid of Vectra, I won't have a car in general. It's hard. It was always something that helped me. Driving a car I mean. Vectra helped me through some stuff, she was with me when I was happy, she was with me when I was depressed, she drove me to all the stressful exams, I sat in her for hours when parked after work because I didn't want to go back home, she handled my midnight shenanigans. Having a car is important to me. And now I'll be left without one for god knows how long. Uh...it's gonna be tough.
Because I don't have a car, I was sleeping at my best friend's house and I don't think I slept better in a loooong while. No idea why but it was just so damn comfortable and I slept so damn good. I loved that. I'll be forever greatful for everything she does for me. I'm not really a good friend because of all the things happening and I never wanted her to be disappointed with me or I don't know, scare her or break her trust and I hope she'll forgive me and that I'll restore control over my life. And I will. I will get better. I will get better help and I will figure my shit out.
I want to pick up some hobbies to help me get through stuff. Not to run away from my problems, I will still face them, but to also have something apart from work, uni and said problems. I'm not sure if there's anything I have the energy and will to actually keep on doing, but I really want to. So far I gave up on everything apart from this blog but maybe, just maybe, I'll find something.
Tomorrow I'll have my career advisor. I need to figure out how the fuck will I get to a different city Maybe she'll shine some lights on my current situation. Maybe she'll help me out. Who knows. I really fucking want to be better, to get my shit together. I really fucking do!!!!! I extremely want to!
I forgot to take my meds today but like, they don't do anything anyway so whatever.
I just need more energy. Just a bit more energy and motivation. Just a bit more. I just need that and I'll actually change. I just don't want to keep on being a zombie that I am now. I am actually frustrated with how I feel and how I have no idea what to do and that I have no energy to do anything to improve my life. I really want to and I'll really try.
Noticed how I am sometimes quiet? Rose sometimes needs to just say stuff without me interrupting. Sometimes it's bad stuff. Sometimes it's sad stuff. But generally it's stuff that needs to be out of her somewhere but saying it to a person either via text or face to face *will* make her shut down or not say everything. It's something she's trying to work on with little to no results. That's why the blog is here. It's just because sometimes it's easier for her to write it down with the mindset of "if someone reads that, they will" but she doesn't feel like she's bothering someone, because she just put that out there, somewhere, sometime and it's whatever. Rose noticed that she's shutting down and she can't talk very very openly about her problems. She's not saying everything, she goes silent, sometimes her vision blurs, her mind drifts away or finds different topics to think about. It's hard. This thing helps because she can put a lot of stuff out and off her chest without that. After all, she's writing it all to me, not to You.
~Love, Rose, Artemis