Hey, it's Rose. I know I was not really here for some time (apart from posting one poem) but, I'm alive, I didn't off myself even tho it kinda looked like it. Do my eyes decive me? haha, very funny. Please, I'm not in the mood. Officially my Game Mastering era came to an end yesterday. I closed my RPG Club for now. I'm not in the headspace for that right now. Damn...so, any ideas for a new hobby? Hobby? Hobby? I have no time, no money, and no will to start anything. My head feels squished and I just can't even get my memory straight let alone start a hobby.
[REDACTED] The risk and reward is a fucked thing. Girl, what? Nothing.
Financial problems are...fucking me up so much. I have to pay internet but I'm already late with paying for uni. And I still need to pay for the laptop and electric bill. And I don't have enough. My boss fucked me over with the paycheck. Job market sucks so fucking much that it's insane.
Dysphoria is fucking me over too. I don't remember the last time it was that bad. Trying not to show it too much tho. I thought about detransitioning more times than I'm willing to admit.
I lost trust in few people. I mean, I trusted them and they just failed. I feel...fucking betrayed.
I had to sell junk yesterday. It's good because it's something that has been laying in my father's garage for 2 years and that way I could get money, and I did, just the whole experience was...I felt like a junkie or a, um, in polish there's a word "żul", I don't know, a bum? a hobo? Just a person that has no house and collects junk to get drunk. That's how I felt. I got a lot from that tho, more than I expected. Still, unpleasant.
I feel that I'm on some derealization shit. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted, maybe it's something wrong with me, maybe it's I don't know what. I feel very not real, like, my body is not mine at this point and I'm spectating it all from just about 20cm back. It's like, I can feel but I'm outside of my body yet trapped inside it. When I'm resting or just not using a part of my body, it feels foreign to me and like I can't use it at all, that it's just turned off. From time to time during the day I feel that more often and more general and then I'm suddenly very very confused of my surroundings. Sometimes I feel like when I don't talk for a long time, I won't be able to speak again, like, I think words but just the speaking part. Yesterday I had that. I really wanted to say something and I just couldn't. I did snap out of it but for a short period of time, I really just couldn't say word.
My car is fucked beyond saving, it started to talk to me so fucking much. Unfortunately that will be the end of Vectra. She's a tough girl but she deserves someone that can put the time and money into her. I'll miss her but it's time to get rid of her. If anyone would want to buy Vectra C 04' wagon for like 3k, let me know.
My endocrinologist said I have a heart problem of the scale from "fuck it we ball" to "operation". I'm scared, really scared, especially now that I'm mostly not present mentally. My memory is...it exists sometimes. My hearing or processing problems? Worse. I started to feel the heart problems. I'm really fucking scared.
I can't do my injections on my own. I drove to a nurse last week. It's fucking important to me to do it on my own but....but I can't, I really can't. I panic so fucking much, it hurts, I'm passing out, what the fuck!!!!!!! It's so fucking important to me because if I won't be doing them on my own, do I even fucking deserve to be doing them in the first place?
Uni is...actually maybe is not. I don't fucking know yet. I failed anatomy, probably few other lectures too, I...I don't know
I'm hungry.
I want to live.
Rose is, existing, sometimes, in some body, in some time, doing some things. Rose is. Rose is regressing a bit too but Rose will survive.
~Love Rose