Heya, Rose here. I'm writing this with absolutely empty head. Maybe it's because of the heat, maybe exhaustion, that's yet for me to discover. It's the second day of me taking meds for my head, mood stabilizers. I'm still not sure about taking them. I was taking huge pride in not taking them and every time I heard "wait, really? wow, impressive" my pride grew bigger. Now I'm back down again. Arty, you know that taking meds does not make you worse than others? Yes, I know that, weird online stranger person. I say that all the time. It's different to me tho. I feel like I came all this way with meds and now I'm supposed to take them again? For me it's like admiting that i failed. Obvi it's not true but that's how I feel.
My dysphoria is fucking me up so fucking much. I don't know, I sweat a lot, my hair even tho they are longer now feel boy-ish, my face feel boy-ish, I hate how my body looks and feels, my voice sounds bad and me owning mostly tomboy wardrobe does not help. I feel like a failed crossdresser that even tried actually taking estrogen but still looks clockable as fuck. My whole body hurts from shaving, especially face. What also does not help is the shape of my body. Like, I hate it. I'm short, I have bigger stomach and thighs, my shoulders are wide and my legs are big, like, AAAAAAH. I want to hide from myself. Arty you can't just hide from yourself, that's not how life works Bitch even my vibe feels like it's not truely mine. I don't want to be this fuckass-knows-what-to-do person. I'm sensitive, I'm fucking easy to break or hurt. I pretend a lot. I pretend that I'm not hurt, that I'm okay, that I'm tough, that I don't care. I want to actually show that I'm sensitive, that I'm scared, that I don't know a lot of things, that I'm just small, that I'm not ready. I feel like because of my attitude, I'm losing my femininity. It's a loop.
The cover plate of Vectra's front left spring fell off. My father asked me how long do I think before the strut mounts will give up. I said, best scenario - till the end of the year. Worst scenario - end of the month. His response? "And you're really planning on driving that car?". Well I don't have anything else! And I don't have money for food, let alone a car. Please somebody hit that car so that I'll get insurance and change it, please. But not with you inside it, right Arty? Right? And I swear if you'll say that it wouldn't be that bad I'll actually start to consider keeping in touch ....um....but you're like...part of me....ah fuck it, whatever, just, different car.
I don't think I'm gonna pass this year. I was going insane for months and really not realising how bad I'm fucking my uni up. I failed anatomy and will need to retake that lecture but apart from that there's also few that I'm failing. I want to stay on that uni because I already payed a lot for it but it feels not only not enjoyable at all, but also I don't get most of the things, I'm not hyped like most of the students there, I have very different passions and hobbies and generally I feel like I don't fit in. Yes I did not took as much time as I should for actually learning all these things but still, even when others are trying to explain it, I just don't get it.
I went on a run yesterday. It was very nice, I saw a nice lake view and it was really cool.
On the 3rd I have my career advisor appointment and I hope that she'll help me because as for now I have no plan for myself in this world. I don't know what I want to study, I don't know what job do I want, I don't know what I'd like to do in life. Oh but also, huge chance I'll be working in the warehouse again. Amazon? Amazon. You're not gonna survive this, Arty. You tried it once, it's a prison. I'm desperate. 5k a month? Come on, I could save a lot from that and I could do overtime and get even more. Come on, dream shit. Obvi it's not something that I want to do but like, only place that actually called back. So, yea, Amazon probably. Maybe I'll survive. You won't Maybe, we will see, if things will be bad then I'll just resign.
Anyway, I'm planning on redesigning this site because now it's pure chaos in the code and fucking grid layout so, maybe some changes will be done, we'll see. That's all for today. My landlord saw me in a dog collar.
~Love Rose