Hey, today is a specific kind of day and what I feel is more serious. I feel weak and anxious. Two days ago I had another depressive episode and the suicidal thoughts came back to me. I was thinking about my first actual attempt and how my parents reacted. I specifically remember my mom telling me that "we raised you, we gave you food, place to live, love and warmth and you're doing something like that?". This time there was no parents. I came back from work, changed and started crying unimaginably. I layed on the bed for hours. I was thinking that it's time to end it all and what even is stopping me and that I don't even want to do it but I just can't keep pushing anymore. I'm exhausted. Days blur and even my driver was confused because I was talking about something from "yesterday" that actually took place a week earlier. I get tired and dizzy and confused every afternoon. I was thinking that I'm really doing everything I can to be better. I'm in therapy, I'm taking meds and I'm at the care of psychiatrist. There's nothing more I can do. Why isn't it working?! I was a crying, desperate mess that wanted to have nothing to do with anything in this world. I realised then that no matter what I do, I'll fail and achive nothing. Everything I tried, ever, I fucked it up or was just bad at or gave up. I don't know if I'll ever grow old, like honestly. Not right now tho, not today, I'll try for few more years.
I don't think anyone is reading this blog anymore, and honestly maybe it's good. It was always supposed to be a place where I can pour my heart out without worrying about what someone would think (like when I would just talk to someone).
Failed my friends and I feel immense guilt and I don't know if I'll ever repay for that.
My heart is officially fucked. I got medications for it that are supposed to, regulate my arrythmia and lower my blood pressure. Maybe because of the lowered pressure I'm so tired.
Maybe one day I'll be normal
~Love, Rose