Bullshit ahh thing, not posting Excuse me? Okay, well, I was doing stuff. Yea? What kind? The old posts are still not transfered. Well....okay I should've done that....but, okay look I was...I was busy. Here's what happened. You know how things are weird and not exactly great? Well, the meds are not working. Sure, this may be because of the low dose, but god fucking damn is it hard. I think that it's the lowest point of my life. I gotta keep going but I so fucking don't want to. I struggle but you know, it's okie. I'll live, maybe, maybe probably.
Vectra is actively dying. It's in agony and I'm torn between actually putting my own daughter out of her misery and maybe still driving her. If I had another car, sure, I'd kill her with cold blood and tears in my eyes. Right now tho? Not really possible. I gotta go places that require a car so I can't. She's literally like a patient on the ICU and she's not looking great. I could hook her to a life support and she'd still look the same.
I passed one of the exams I didn't go to. I was studying to it but the constant stress I live in still made me scared of it. But I managed. I still applied for a dean's leave and I really hope I will get it. I don't know what it would change at this point but at least that would erase one of the things on the long ass list of things that are slowly killing me. The list you created, Artemis. Well, yea. I know. I'm the one to blame but...nah there's no but. I understand the destructive mechanics that I keep living in and using on daily basics. Maybe it will change, maybe it will not, we will see. So far I'm not dead and that's important. Not that I didn't try...
I had a great day making custom clothes with my close friend tho! I made a patch and she did reaaally cool pants. Like, the idea was so damn cool and she pulled it of so well!! Oh and also my best friend came over to flex her car and work on her presentation and it was really nice to just hang out like that. Good times. Loved it. I love my friends.
Speaking of love, my girlfriend was trying to teach me MTG and like, I want to learn it but I think I'm just too dumb to understand the mechanics of it all, like, what the fuck is fucking tapping to mana to whatever. I mean, jesus. Right hand on the Superman no. 1 comic, may Perun strike me down if I'm lying, reading the cards makes me think I can't even read. Gotta come back to school for spelling bees or something. And literally she told me "You're so stupid, I mean, no. You're so dumb". I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!!! I mean, she didn't say that in the context of MTG - which makes it even more concerning - but whatever. Whatever yes sure fine whatever. Anyways
I remember how excited I was when I got my diagnosis. Like, yes, yes, I know, thank you for this paper that I will use as an basis for everything I have to do next. Then when I got HRT I was anxious. I remember taking the first pill in my car, alone, scared and having to hide it because my ex couldn't find out. She did eventually. Even tho I came out to her long before that, and knew I'm going to start it sooner than later, she still was sceptical about it and kept telling me that I should postpone that and wait and wait and wait. So, I started in secret. With no "big moment". Now that I have the injections, I feel honestly nothing. Like, yes, when I finally got them I was excited. Then the realisation came that I gotta do them, and the pressure of doing them on my own. I started, I couldn't do them, and then the first thought. If I can't do them on my own - am I even worthy of having them and being trans? Should I just stop? Now, I don't do them on my own, I feel like they don't do anything and I keep thinking that for the sake of not doing it and living easier and - sure, in bigger misery - I should just stop completly and detransition. Not that I want to, not that I will , probably but because it's easier. I keep realising, every time I open my wardrobe, that I don't even own clothes that will make other people percive me more fem. I like my style because it's comfy, but, it does make me dysphoric. For some fucking reason. Why won't you just change it? Well I don't fucking know how. The current state of fashion world circles around androgeny and fem wearing masc. That's basically it. I miss the excitment
I feel like I don't have access to my own mind and brainpower. I feel like I'm somewhere in my skull but my brain is behind lead cover that I don't have the key to open or the power and will to lift. I feel lost, almost like the patients with dementia I keep transporting for EEG. I know I am, but I feel just not present. Somewhere in between. It's scaring me so much. I want to cry all the time and I want to lock the doors and never get out of my bed. I lost almost all motivation, and I don't think I have personal goals anymore. Uni, work, stability, hobbies, all feel too far for me to reach. Degree? What degree, I don't even remember most lectures. Not what they were about, but the general existance of them. I generally don't remember. I did what the neurologist told me to do when I'd start feeling like this. Sure it was in January, but it was supposed to work. You can guess if it worked or not. Honestly? I'm just exhausting others. And I know that because I'm exhausted on my own, and complaining does nothing. But I don't feel like trying. Maybe in the future that I'm not sure I'll have. Maybe probably.
Smile, they're taking a picture
~Love Rose