NSFW
Haiiiii ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა Listen pookies, today is going to be NSFW but I kinda don't have people to talk about while unashamed so definitely putting it up on the internet for weird stranger online people to see is a great move. Consider this your warning because I'm not going to say it again, you don't want to hear about things related to sex then stop reading.I'm an adult, right? It's okay for me to be sexually active. So like, I've been. I've been kinda doing all the things I couldn't do while in a relationship. The problem (for other people, not really a problem for me) is that I'm doing a lot of things in a short time. For example, yesterday (well technically today because it was 1AM or smth) I had penetrative sex with other transfem and also half of that we did with an audience of her two roommates and then had a threesome with her and one of her roommates. So first time in another girl plus first time actual sex with people watching and first threesome. Sure, it was kinda a lot, but it was nice and I don't mind and I liked it and wanted it and I don't really see a problem with that honestly. The only problem I actually see is probably linked to the fact that my hormone levels are so fucking fucked at this point. On one hand, I can't really, you know, get hard. But also, sometimes I can, and then keeping it is like 50/50 gamble of not being able to do that and not being able to stop. Also, the most frustrating part, I can't finish. It's been like more than a month since I did. It's infuriating and frustrating and I'm so fucking unfulfilled. Every time I just say to the other person "oh, don't worry, I can't finish anyways" and that's like giving up on my own pleasure. sure, it's not like I don't enjoy sex at all, I do, I like it, but also after like 11th time of just giving up on my own orgasm I feel like something is lacking and I'm unsatisfied internally. After we finished the threesome I spent additional 15 minutes trying to bring myself any closer while they were cleaning up but I couldn't and even the roommate (who is a cis-het white male but makes exceptions for backshots to transfems) was like "you know, don't worry, it's okay, you're on blockers right? I don't know how it works but you'll be fine". It's so fucking embarrassing and frustrating at this point. There's nothing wrong with feeling like a doll for others to use for their own release and getting some pleasure out of it. But there's nothing wrong with that if you're doing that voluntarily and not because you're stuck in a fucked up hormonal levels state where you don't work like a man anymore but you also don't work like a girl yet. I fucking hate it. And honestly? it wouldn't even be that fucking bad if I would just get hard like I did before hrt. At least someone would use me to top them. Oh yea, because there's a problem. I'm a switch and my dom/top side usually works around the fact of me penetrating someone (because I was in a long relationship with a cis girl who only liked that). So without being able to do that, me topping is fucking mid, but also I feel that whenever I'm being a sub, the other person just feels uncomfortable or is being the dominant one just because they see that I wouldn't be a good top, but they are not getting pleasure out of that and it only makes me feel bad even if I don't know if that's true. Honestly while being in a relationship, I was taking Viagra because my partner was scared I won't satisfy her bc I'd lose the ability to penetrate her. Right now I don't know if Viagra even works for me anymore. I took 25mg and there was no effect at all. My whole organism and hormonal balance is so fucked at this point but I don't even know what to change because I'm not a fucking endocrinologist. I'm chronically sexually unsatisfied. My sex drive is to the moon and there's nothing I can do to tone it down. Even threesome, even getting my brain fucked to a factory settings by a girl, even getting overstimulated to the point of almost crying. None. Nothing. Nothing even close. Maybe finishing for once would make it better but, well, that's almost impossible for me. Or not even almost, maybe just impossible, I don't know, like I said, I couldn't really check it.
The other thing I noticed that bothers me is that I like sex. I do. Sure it could be...I don't know, not safe? uh, I feel like a chaser while saying that but the only time I felt truly comfortable during sex was when it was with other transfems. Whenever I had sex with a cis girl it felt like a performance but...I won't talk about it now. The problem is that I feel really comfortable with other transfems in bed and right now I've heard two things that buried themselves so deep inside my head that I can't stop thinking about it.
First was that if someone would see two transfems having sex, they would assume they are just two gay dudes.
Second was that transfems having sex is basically just a "shemale sissyfication hypno and real life porn for fetishists and crossdressers".
Why is the sex I'm having always some kind of social dylema taboo shit. I understand the first approach, it's sad but I get it, I feel like this every time I have my legs wrapped around someone or just generally in missionary when I'm the bottom. That's how dysphoria wants to ruin relatively nice moments. But...fuck...just fuck. I don't even know what to say to that without taking my head clean off.
When it comes to the second thing....I don't even know what to say. I hate the fact that that's how it could be seen. It hurts.
Let me be. I'm fucking tired. Tired of dysphoria, of self hatred, of the lack of satisfaction and orgasms. I'm just tired.
~Love Rose