Hey, Rose here. I'm finally trying to take things seriously and slow and responsible when it comes to my life. I was way too impulsive and easily influenced. I cared a bit too much and I acted a bit too hastily. I was a bit too vulnerable in all of that too. I still am and I want to be. I want to be sensitive and not act all tough and I'm getting there, I'm better in that. I still struggle a bit but it's not as bad. I'm trying more to communicate and to be open and honest about my feelings and my problems with people close to me. Thanks to the support of my friend or her basically daring me to do it I set my boundaries in therapy and was honest with the psychologist.
I put myself on the first place too but that's a different talk.
I also was trying hard to dodge saying that I need space and want to be alone to my girlfriend, and she confronted me about it and she's right, she's not her, she's completely different and I should be honest. And so next time I was and guess what? Nothing fucking bad happened. Jesus I was a fucking idiot for worrying.
My friend had birthday and invited me to it! It was so nice. She rented a car, we drove to Cracow to a club, then went for a walk, and then drove to a forest for a photoshoot and then also in the morning for a different friend Hai Valerie! I know you're reading this and you're the only person I name-dropped here I think and spend some time together doing stuff. It was so cool. It was so nice seeing her all smiling. She was rapping in the car and the songs sounded so fucking good! I loved them! Playlist must have.
Later the weekend I was at my girlfriend's house. I absolutely love how it looks. It's all so aesthetically pleasing. Wood, warm lights, plants, green accents. Just...just a dream. And we did cinnamon rolls! They came out so tasty!!! Also we were watching HBO in the bathtub and she's still helping me with my hair routine. Monday she drove me to my house and logged onto her steam and I played LeMans Ultimate and it's sooooooo cool. I was scared to play on her Moza setup but on my Thrustmaster? I can do it. I'm not scared of breaking anything at least.
I know it may be temporary, but I'm really fucking happy now. I feel extremely dumb for trying to kill myself. I'm trying my best to keep floating and it is really really hard but weeks like this are making it a bit easier. I mean, sleeping at my best friend's, friend's birthday and then hanging out with my girlfriend? Good times.
I'm working on myself. I'm trying my fucking hardest to get my shit together. Just like you told me while looking at me with the expression of "I'm so done with you". I am getting my shit together. I am working on my past with the psychologist, I am taking and readjusting my meds, I am talking with career advisor about my future, I'm still trying to do anything with my university. I'm trying. I'm exhausted, it hurts, I lose motivation constantly, I have no energy, my head is spinning but I am trying and I am pushing through it. I feel like those knights in movies when a dragon is spitting flames onto their shield and they are stomping forward very heavily, very slowly. It hurts, it's difficult, but if they won't move, they won't kill the dragon. If I'll stop, dragon will eat me and I can't agree with that. I won't be eaten. I am stronger than that.
I think I'll put buying the car to the side. Maybe I can use that money to buy normal beauty products to help with my skin and hair. Yes, the car is damn fucking important, but I feel dysphoric and I want my skin to look better. Car is something I need to think about, I won't be buying it with my own money so it's not even really up to me. We'll see. So far I'm doing okay with no car. I mean, not mentally but in terms of transport. But if I could get that Primera...
Okay, I'll have to think about it all. So far I'm working on myself, that's the most important. I'm slowly and carefully getting better. I truly think that my lowest point is past me.
~Love, Rose