19/04/2026
I need to stop worrying about people. I have this thing where when someone I care for deeply or love tells me that something is going on in their life and they struggle or something, I turn into a mother that gets worried and want to do everything in her power to keep said person safe. I don't like it. I feel like I annoy people by that. But I can't just not care about people I love. I don't know, that's dumb. What if the people I worry about feel weird because of that? Or what if they hate that fact? Or what if they, I don't know, don't fucking like me?
I'm cold. I still don't have hot water. Maybe they will make it, maybe they will not. I lost all hope at this point. I really hoped it's going to be all a matter of like 3 weeks tops. It's been 4. And there will be more. Maybe when I'll be moving out, they will actually make it. I don't know. I'm sick and overwhelmed so the fact that I can't even take a hot shower or just be warm and in bed for example is just bad and I kinda want to cry. I can't do anything about it. I did everything, literally, there is nothing more I can do. I want nothing more than for someone to take care of me for a bit. Just allow me to shut off completly without concequences. Without me having to worry about the fact that I'm not at work. Eh, to be a puppy....
I'm so stressed about May. It's going to be so fucking bad. I NEED to get the internships and to tell my fucking boss that he's a fucking [REDACTED] and that I won't be at work. Also that I'm working on the 1st (so on holiday) and that if he has any fucking problem to me then he can go [REDACTED] and yea. He doesn't pay me enough to think about the job as the most important thing. It's only important because I get money from him, not because I like the company and I'm not loyal at all. If there's another company that pays better, I'm going and not even looking back. Maybe going to Germany to take care of elders.....uh, no, no I have uni. Fuck. The dependance is the worst. I miss normal uni. I miss not having to live like a damn zombie that goes to work, comes back, goes to uni, comes back, have one day to do everything that is personal and there's no way for me to break that cycle. I get payed not enough to afford everything but also too much to get social scholarship. Funny. It's also funny that the intenship I'm going to, are paid. But in a way that I'm paying so I can go there. So I'm spending money so I can go there but I'm not earning anything from it or my normal work because I can't be at my work because of them. Like. That's crazy. I hope I'll earn enough this month so that I'll have some savings for June. But then also during holidays, so July-September, I'll need to do another internships, more expensive and way longer, so, I don't know how I'll make it without getting kicked out from my flat. I know that my friend told me that if everything will go to shit, I can move in to hers, but like, that wasn't serious. I'll find a way, so far I managed to avoid SW, but who knows.
And I'm writing this stupid blog to like 4 people to read instead of, I don't know, finding some online job I can write for while people I know are already playing what they will do for May Break, or holidays or how they don't have to work because they have someone that gives them money or just their work pays them a lot and they don't have to worry about taking some free days whenever they want, or they actually have a job where they love what they do because it's their passion. I'm a fucking humanist. I love everything art. What the fuck am I doing on medicine? The fact that I'm just weird like that and I like the adrenaline doesn't mean that I know where "sella turcica" is! (okay I maybe know that one but you know what I mean).
I miss closeness. I know that I have my friends but I miss like, uh, it's going to sound so fucking pathetic but like, I want to be cuddled and be close and to feel like this not only while we cuddle but even after we stop. I want to know that there is someone I can run to when things get hard. Someone that will hug me, cover me with their arms while pressing me to her chest and say that everything is going to be okay and that she loves me and that I'm beautiful, all that as I'm crying and soaking her shirt. And then I could pour all my worries into her shirt, only for her to not push me away, but to gently stroke my head and remind me that I'm pretty, that I have worth in this world, that she loves me and that I'm safe. And she would take the shirt off and put a new one so that I won't feel like I have limited space and time, she'd do that to show me that it's okay, that I can get rid of everything I'm holding in and she won't judge me, even if any of that is about her. She'd remind me that my worries are valid and that it's human to feel like this. And she'd let me to that for however long I need but she'd always make sure that I'm okay after that. She'd ask if I want some advice or help and that it's okay to ask for help and that even as I'm an adult I don't have to know everything and that it's okay for people at any age to ask for help or advice or to cry and then I'd cry some more and eventually I'd fall asleep while she's stroking my head and reminds me that I can do it and that I can push through life and still do it in a way that makes me happy and that I don't have to pretend when I'm with her.
~Love Rose