21/04/2026
Yesterday I also went to Czechia for my estrogen! Aaaand was it all good? Oh yea, totally! I payed like 200PLN more than what I was told I'm going to pay. Instead of the said 2000 Czech Koruna I payed about 3750. Fucking insane. Uh, Rose, why? I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW, WEIRD INTERNET STRANGER PERSON! Uh, I'll manage, I hope. I'm a nomad, I move, I will always find a way to eat so it's all good. I also did the injection yesterday. The specific estrogen I bought, you inject into the muscle, not subcutaneous, so the type of injection I only ever did at uni and not on a real person, and def. not on myself. If I could (and maybe I will) inject it subcutaneous then it would be so much easier because I already did that on myslef once when my best friend gave me diy. Anyway, I studied the place for like an hour, I had a fucking injection handbook out and Netter's anatomy atlas (fuck him) and when I finally managed to push in and push on the plunger, I was like "okay, I have like 10 seconds before I pass out". I injected everything as fast, but as safely fast, as I could, pulled the syringe and threw it on the window and got on my knees so I wouldn't fall from my normal height and next thing I remember was me hugging the cold floor, covered in sweat and breathing heavily. Fuck, Rose No, no. It's okay. It wasn't because I injected it in a bad place or I broke something or it was allergy or anything. I was just so super stressed to not hit a nerve and I was also exhausted and yea. Look, I passed out safely, that's important.
This week I passed out a lot. I think it's the third time or something. One was because I was choked, second from hunger and now from stress I think.
As I'm writing this, I feel like my hands, and arms in general, are not mine. They feel fake. I look at them but they don't feel mine. They are pale, smooth, the forearm is small, almost skinny. It's like I'm controlling something foreign.
I have holes in my memory. It's kind of bad. I thought it's okay, like, everyone has that, but apparently people generally remember their days and weeks and vaugely remember years. Let me tell you, if you'll tell me that I did something, but I did it in 2021, I'll probably believe you that I did that. I have like maybe four memories from 2019 till 2025. I have no idea what was happening even last year. Ha, I have no idea what I was doing last week. Like, I can tell you I did something last week but it could've happened like two or three weeks ago and there is no difference for me. That's also one of the reasons I started writing this blog. The fact that I have that fucking hearing or processing problems also doesn't help. Like, how can I remember correctly if I don't even register most things? It's especially bad in the evenings. The person I hooked up with last time, that choked me till I passed out, told me that I was saying something or doing something and I have absolutely zero recollection of that, none. Girl I was at the rave with? I had to ask her in the morning about stuff we did and if I kissed her (fucking important thing to remember!!!!) and she was shoked I didn't remember that. And it's not even because of exhaustion or anything like that. And it's not only that I don't remember like, shit that's basic or common like what I ate or what I wore or specific date. I don't remember things I wish I'd remember, or nice things. Do you think I remember the one and only Pyrkon (convent) I went to? I remember I was there, I have no idea what year that was and if not photos I wouldn't remember what I was wearing, but I don't remember what happened there. I have almost no memories of me moving into my flat. I know that my best friend helped me but I don't remember us being here, only like two memories of us in my parents house. I don't even remember my hookups to be honest, maybe like extremaly vaguely but especially the ones where I was a sub (a puppy specifically)? Oh fuck no, like, maybe the fact that I was a sub and the person it was with, but apart from that? Oh fuck no. My 5 years of relationship? Oh yea I have like 20 memories combined and no idea what year was which. I don't even know when I started HRT or when was my first time or when and with who was my first actual kiss. It's not like I remember nothing. I do remember useless stuff like star wars facts or cars or where I picked up a patient that was mean to me. I just remember so vaguely, so through a fog, that you can really tell me that something happend three months ago and I'll belive you even if actually it happend two years ago. Rose, do you do anything for it to be better? Well, I stopped daydreaming as much and I started this blog, so, yea, kinda. Maybe it's dissociation or some shit, I don't know. I don't think so. I should talk to my therapist about that.
I see veins on the hands of the body I'm in. I see the blue color of them, something rare. It's like the pale skin that's streached on them has turned see-through.
Puppy type shit
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I forgot to update the playlist so now it's updated! So listen to what's here but also check out the updated playlist. Oh and you may noticed that I deleted my handbook from here but like, don't worry I didn't stop, I'll maybe write some more today but I need to rewrite some things there and for some time the Kosmos handbook preview won't be accessable.
~Love Rose