Hey, I've been literally writing this post for fucking 5 days, but I couldn't post it so it's going to get a bit weird when it comes to how I feel now and shit and like, just think of it as a post that should've come out on the 30th and don't worry too much. Enjoy! ~Rose from the future
You probably wonder "what the fuck is Rose up to?". Actually I wonder if Rose is even fucking alive bc last post sounded like a damn suicide note! Ha ha, don't be silly weird internet stranger person! I'm fine. No I'm not, but apart from every single dumb and sad shit that happend - I'm fine. I offically changed my name, I came back to writing stuff, I managed to struggle more and more and more with my own feelings and I'm getting more and more frustrated because of the fact that I even have them. Specific feelings, not every single one, just so you know. Ooooh like- please shut up, don't say it, and yes. Anyways, I'm fucking frustrated when it comes to money and my general financial situation because I have like...130PLN left to my name and there's 10 more days till my paycheck. Diesel is expensive as fuck. Full tank costs me like 700PLN. I decided to switch to bike and I rode it today to my parents, but of course, I'm too cool for a hat, so my ears are fucking freezing off. Also, some kid called me a guy as I was riding, but I was way too cold to think a lot about it. I'm at my parents house as I'm writing this and I didn't say a single word to my brother. He didn't say a thing too. We're not going to have any realtion anymore. All is gone. I'm more or less okay. Sure I had a mental breakdown yesterday because I realised that there is almost noone I can trust anymore. I always had my brother or my mom, but right now? They also don't count. I mean, how can I trust someone if I don't even know how much they know about me and when they are not honest? I also was on the verge of crying in a shop because of some dumb fucking memories that decided to come back and ruin me. I mean, why the fuck I can't shop with someone anymore? I understand that it's the same franchise that I used to go with my ex, and that buying stuff to cook later was all we did when we went there but FUCK! LEAVE ME ALONE! I just wanted to go, buy, come back. Not go, remember everything, feel sad, can't hug, feel sadder, realise I can't cry in the fucking shop, realise I shouldn't be fucking depressed while shopping with my friend, try my best not to break down, come back, break down. Like, uh, please for the love of everything, it's not the best time in my life to get depressed. Also, while we at it, therapy is way too fucking expensive. Imagine that I have a 130PLN to my name and I'm late with paying 210PLN for my therapy. Like, how. Literally how. I had to ask my mom and you can imagine how fucking embarassing it fells when you're trying to be independent and responsible and shit. Like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. How about you take more hours at work? Or find a second job? I HATE YOU!!! uh, sorry, I don't. Look, I work from like 6AM till 6PM, then at 7PM (because all the cleaning and writing your road card dosn't count to paycheck) I come back to the house. I don't have money for a bartender training and factory or warehouse night shifts are usually 10 hours if not 12 so I wouldn't be able to wake up to work the next day. During weekends I have my uni and mondays are the only day I have free to like rest and shit but I also have my RPG club that day so also only half the day I can rest. I literally can't do more. The minimal wage I get is insane for the amount of time I spend working. Like, it doesn't even add up. How the fuck do I get like not even 4K for more than 200 hours of work?! I need to find a job that I can do in addition to the one I have but also that I can just do from home in my free time and make like...2K from it. That's all, 2K, that's how much I'd need to afford everything I need and some of the things I want. And if I'd make 3K from that job? I'd be rich, well, no, not rich, but I could save up and shit. And next month I'll have like 3100PLN as my paycheck and I have no idea how much my energy bill will be but there is a chance I'll have -500PLN like...fast, very fast. Uh It's shitty but I don't like to ask people for money. It feels weird. Maybe I really have to ask for that second job that would give me 2k? I'm scared that I'd have to invest first and I can't do that but if I don't have to...fuck, maybe I should.~Love Rose